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Lance in Topeka (formerly Louisville)
Lance in Topeka (formerly Louisville) 'was a Clone who was notorious for calling the Jim Rome Show with song parodies. His speciality was parodies of the music of Neil Sedaka, a pop icon of the 1960s and 1970s, which he called "Sedak-Attacks". He was known for his hatred of Ryan in Wichita, whom he glossed "Cryin' Ryan" and made the target of several of his parodies. He also developed a rivalry with fellow parody singer Larry in San Francisco (aka "Parody Larry"). Lance was originally identified as being from Louisville, Kentucky; but as of December 2013 announced a move to Topeka, Kansas. Lance had a reputation as one of the most notorious and polarizing callers in the Jungle, with many Clones clamoring to hear more of him, and many others vehemently demanding that Rome slap Lance with a lifetime ban from the show. Because of his body of work, Rome would leave Lance on hold for hours at a time, saying that he likes him as a person but not as a caller. However, after a regrettable tandem call with Rob "the Grump" in Cleveland and another call involving flatulence smack at Parody Larry, Lance has been banned for life from the program. History 2013 Lance made his debut on May 13, 2013 and garnered instant notoriety when he called Jim Rome to put the Hack-Off participants on blast with a Neil Sedaka parody song. It was a parody of Neil Sedaka's "Bad Blood" from 1975, intended as a theme song for the Hack-Off, but Rome prematurely ran him before he got to the good part. On the strength of that call, Rome invited him to the Hack-Off, calling him, "The Perfect Hack". Lance called back on May 29 to RSVP for the Hack-Off, accepting the invite with a reset of "I am I, Don Quixote" from the musical "Man of La Mancha". This call only served to increase Rome's confidence that Lance had what it took to win the Hack-Off, calling him a "Hack prodigy". Lance did appear in the 2013 Hack-Off on June 7 of that year, and introduced Rome and the Clones to the "Sedak-Attack", singing, "Hey Ryan!" a parody of Sedaka's "Oh, Carol!" from 1959 that was intended to take down Ryan in Wichita. Although Lance was not run, Rome criticized Lance for going too long and, due to the underwhelming performances by all the Hacks that day and absence of the former Hack-Off champions (Vinnie Mac, Ray-Ray, Jolene), announced that the Hack-Off was permanently discontinued. Since the Hack-Off, Rome has often cited Lance's long call as the primary reason for the cancellation of the Hack-Off. On June 18, 2013, Lance called the show again to try to persuade Rome to give the Hacks another chance, or start a new tournament devoted to song parodies. Rome ran him and emphatically told him that the Hack-Off would not be revived unless he could find new Hacks. However, Rome told Lance that he was still welcome to call the show with "Sedak-Attacks" every once in awhile. Lance thereafter became a regular caller. On July 25, 2013, he made it on the air after being on hold for two weeks and brought a Sedak-Attack for Vic in No-Cal, but was run with a "Whisper Buzzer" created specially for him. The call was regarded by some of the Clones as one of the worst calls ever in show history. On August 8, 2013, he called again to apologize for his Sedak-Attack on Vic and cited a poorly-working phone and a migraine as the reasons for his poor performance. He then claimed to be a "new-and-improved" Lance in Louisville, and proceeded to sing a parody of Connie Francis' "Stupid Cupid" aimed at Ryan in Wichita. Rome ran him and went off on a ten-minute rant about Lance undermining his efforts to remain relevant by singing Connie Francis parodies. On September 6, 2013, Lance came big with a parody of "The Macarena" aimed at Brad in Corona. Not only did he complete his call without getting run, but at the end of the program, Rome awarded him "Huge Call of the Day", admitting that he didn't think Lance had it in him but that Lance performed much better than Rome expected him to do. Lance Tweeted to Rome that he was going to a Neil Sedaka concert in Bowling Green, Kentucky, and Rome challenged him to demonstrate the SedakAttack to him. On September 24, 2013, Lance called to accept Jim's challenge. He then proceeded into another parody designed to take down Brad in Corona, only to get run. One week later, Lance called the show again, claiming that he had fulfilled Rome's challenge but said he had no video footage to prove it, due to the battery exploding in the video camera. Rome didn't buy Lance's story, ran him again, and reprimanded him for failing to deliver. For the next two months, Rome was very reluctant to take a call from Lance, but Lance maintained his brand via Twitter and e-mail. However, on December 12, 2013 with Lance on hold, Rome promised to let Lance on the following day, as he had run out of time to allow Lance on the air. And so, on December 13, 2013, Lance returned and put Ryan in Wichita on blast yet again with a parody of "Frosty The Snowman". At the same time, he announced a move to Topeka, Kansas. Although Lance was not run, Rome called the call "forgetable". In his Year in Review 2013 show, Rome declared 2013 to be "The Year of Lance in Louisville", and called Lance "annoying". 2014 On January 24, 2014, Lance e-mailed Rome asking if he would be willing to take a parody call in exchange for no calls until after the NCAA Final Four. Rome upped the ante by making a different deal: If Lance could call and get racked, he could still participate in the Jungle. If he got run or failed to get racked, he would get a lifetime ban. Lance took the bait and called. Lance risking the lifetime ban became the topic of the show, and several people called the show to keep Lance off the air so that he wouldn't get the ban, including people who dropped Sedak-Attacks on Lance himself. Ultimately, Rome, not feeling confident that Lance could get racked, declined to take the call in an attempt to "save Lance from himself". Lance got on the air for the first time from Topeka on March 19, 2014 when he took a run at Mark in Hollywood, the reigning Smack-Off champion, with a parody of "The Phony King Of England" from the Walt Disney animated film "Robin Hood". Although Lance was not run, Rome, audibly appalled that Lance would resort to Disney movies as inspriation for his parodies, criticized the call as being "poor" and "a D+ effort". The reaction from the Clones was overwhelmingly negative. On May 29, 2014, Rome reported that Indiana Pacers player Lance Stephenson blew in LeBron James' ear to rattle him. The Clones turned this into a Lance in Topeka reset, leading Rome to comment on how annoyed he was when any of his crew members mentioned Lance in Topeka. Lance then e-mailed the program complaining that Rome was being unfair to call him annoying. Rome had to take time from his show to explain that he liked Lance as a person but not as a caller and that it wasn't personal. Several Clones responded by taking shots at Lance via e-mail and Twitter. On June 12, 2014, at the request of an e-mailer, Rome agreed to allow Lance on the air to give him a Golden Ticket to Smackoff XX. Lance called and got on the air with a reset of Petula Clark's "Downtown" as a theme song for the Smackoff. Lance was not run, and Rome spent the rest of the show deliberating whether or not to give Lance the Golden Ticket. Many of the Clones took shots at Lance via e-mail and Twitter, and a few others called as well, including "Mike in Palookaville". At the end of the show, Rome was still undecided as to whether or not to give Lance the Golden Ticket, and ultimately declined to invite him, because the Clones thought it was lame, and Rome thought it was just average/below-average. On June 24, 2014, Mark in Hollywood, the reigning Smack-Off champion, called the Jim Rome Show to announce that he was sponsoring a Video Hack-Off, officially known as the Mark in Hollywood Invitational, on his website.http://markinhollywood.com/ Lance was one of the participants in this project, submitting videos of himself singing parodies of oldies songs and taking shots at Ryan in Wichita and Eddie in Boise. On July 16, 2014, Lance in Topeka returned, looking to step up and be more vicious. He took a run at Jason in Little Rock with a parody of Frank Mills' "Music Box Dancer". He completed the call without getting run, and at the end, Rome said he would have awarded Lance the Huge Call if time hadn't run out. Show engineer Alvin Delloro used "Music Box Dancer" as the bumper music before the final segment of that day's show. However, two days later, Kaleb in Green Bay called the show and ripped Lance for plagiarizing a line from his poem from the Mark in Hollywood Invitational for his Frank Mills parody. The Clones hailed Kaleb as a hero for taking Lance down, and Rome expressed disappointment with Lance for resorting to plagiarism. Some two months later, on October 3, 2014, Lance called the show and indicated that his grandpa had passed away and thanked Jim for helping him get through it. He then attempted to take revenge on Kaleb in Green Bay with an "Italian-style Sedak-Attack", but he was run. The Clones then piled on with disparaging Tweets about Lance. On November 5, 2014, Rome took a call from Lance in the next-to-last segment of the show. Lance indicated that he was going to do a Platters parody about Jungle newcomer Leff in Laguna Beach, but got run two seconds into his intro. However, on December 1, 2014, Lance appeared on the sports podcast "Fresh Coast Kliq", where he talked about the Jayhawks, Chiefs and Royals, explained the background of his rivalry with Ryan in Wichita, and completed his Platters parody about Leff in Laguna Beach.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvQwuClKfEY Lance attempted to get on the air on December 17, 2014 with a Christmas parody, but Rome declined to take him. Instead, in the next-to-last segment of the show, Rome replayed three of Lance's previous calls and drowned them out with Killswitch (which is one of the songs in his bumper music folder), much to the amusement of the Clones. On Christmas Day 2014, a Lance parody surfaced on 4shared.com. Sarah T. in Providence, a prominent e-mail and Twitter contributor, had received a parody via e-mail from Lance, and loved it so much she posted it to 4shared.com. It was a parody of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", mocking the 2014 Smack-Off co-champs Mike in Indy and Chael Sonnen as being gay.http://www.4shared.com/mp3/AU62A8a4ba/I_Saw_Michael_Holding_Hands_Wi.html 2015 On January 23, 2015, Rome saw three parody callers on his call screen - Larry in San Francisco (Parody Larry), Lance in Topeka, and John in Little Rock - and decided to have a Parody Friday contest after spending most of the week talking about the Patriots' deflating footballs. Lance had the best call of the three, cracking Larry by lyricizing the theme song to the 1980s game show "Press Your Luck", and was awarded Huge Call of the Day for his efforts. On April 17, 2015, designated as "National Haiku Day", Lance e-mailed Rome a Neil Sedaka haiku and signed off as "The Scorpion". Rome criticized the gloss and crumpled up the e-mail. On April 22, 2015, Lance tried in vain to get on the show, and e-mailed to negotiate airtime with Rome. Rome flatly refused. But the next day, April 23, Lance called again, along with Parody Larry and were on hold the entire program before Rome decided to guarantee them a spot on the next day's show. So on April 24, 2015, Lance, along with Parody Larry and John in Little Rock, came back for another "Parody Friday" after several days on hold earlier in the week. Lance went after Larry with a parody of Creedance Clearwater Revival's "Proud Mary"; he was run for going too long. Larry was also run, and John came out on top with a Huge Call. On July 30, 2015, Rob in Cleveland, who had become known for glossing himself as "The Grump" posted an interview he had conducted with Lance to his website, sportsgrump.com. In this interview, Lance revealed himself to be a fan of the Kansas Jayhawks, Kansas City Chiefs, and Kansas City Royals. He also revealed how he would change the Jim Rome Show if it were his show. On September 2, 2015, Lance teamed up with Rob the Grump to make a tandem call. The two tried to trade barbs with each other before Rob hit Lance with an incest blast and Lance fired back with a gay blast. Rome ran them, and he and most of the Clones declared the call the worst call ever in the history of human communications. At the end of the show, Rome grudgingly awarded Lance and Rob the Huge Call of the Day, and indicated that the two would probably never get back on the air ever again. The tandem call was subsequently glossed "Callpocalypse" (or, as Vinnie Mac in Des Moines renamed it, "Callmageddon"). Lance returned to the podcast "Fresh Coast Kliq" on September 22, 2015, where he shared his perspective on "Callpocalypse", talked Jayhawk sports, and mocked Kaleb in Green Bay with a Magic Organ "On Wisconsin" parody. The end of the line came for Lance on November 5, 2015. One day after being glossed "Flatu-Lance" by Parody Larry, Lance called to fire back. He intended to crush Larry with a Four Tops parody, and he said, "I'm gonna fart in your face with the music of the Four Tops!" Before he could start his song, he was run. An outraged Rome needed several seconds to collect himself before he tore into Lance and told him never to call the show again. Thus Lance joined the ranks of such infamous callers as Willie in KC, Carl in Rosemead, and Marty in Dallas who will never be heard from ever again. Song Parodies by Lance and Results *"Hack-Off Theme Song" (parody of Neil Sedaka's "Bad Blood"), May 13, 2013 ('RUN, invited to Hackoff) *"I Am I, Lance in Louisville" (parody of "I Am I, Don Quixote" from the musical "Man of La Mancha"), May 29, 2013 (Hack-Off RSVP, RACKED) *"Hey Ryan!" (parody of Neil Sedaka's "Oh Carol!"), June 7, 2013 (Hack-Off; Call completed but not racked) *"I'm Launching a SedakAttack on Vic" (parody of Neil Sedaka's "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do"), July 25, 2013 (RUN '''with '''Whisper Buzzer) *"Cryin' Ryan" (parody of Connie Francis' "Stupid Cupid"), August 8, 2013 (RUN) *"The Brad in Corona Macarena" (parody of Los Del Rio's "Macarena"), September 6, 2013 (Awarded Huge Call) *"Brad in Corona" (parody of Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"), September 24, 2013 (RUN) *"Ryan in Wichita" (parody of "Frosty The Snowman"), December 13, 2013 (Call completed but not racked) *"The Phony King Of Smack-Talk" (parody of "The Phony King Of England" from the Walt Disney movie "Robin Hood"), March 19, 2014 (Call completed but not racked) *"20th Anniversary Smack-Off Theme Song" (parody of Petula Clark's "Downtown"), June 12, 2014 (Call completed but not racked) * "Smack Around Some Hacks" (parody of Bill Haley and the Comets' "Rock Around The Clock"), June 24, 2014 (Mark in Hollywood Invitational) * "Ed In Boise" (parody of Connie Francis' "Where The Boys Are"), June 24, 2014 (Mark in Hollywood Invitational) * "There's A Certain Clone" (parody of Herman's Hermits' "There's A Kind Of Hush"), June 24, 2014 (Mark In Hollywood Invitational) * "Hey Jason In Little Rock" (parody of Frank Mills' "Music Box Dancer"), July 16, 2014 (Unofficially awarded Huge Call) * "Kaleb The Walrus" (parody of Neil Sedaka's "La Terza Luna"), October 3, 2014 (RUN) * "A Big Pretender" (parody of The Platters' "The Great Pretender"), November 5, 2014 and December 1, 2014. (RUN '''by Rome before he could get through the intro; heard in full on Fresh Coast Kliq). * "I Saw Michael Holding Hands With Chael" (parody of the Ronettes' version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"), December 25, 2014 (posted to 4shared.com by Sarah T. in Providence.http://www.4shared.com/mp3/AU62A8a4ba/I_Saw_Michael_Holding_Hands_Wi.html) * "Kick Your Butt" (aka "Larry Out In San Francisco") (parody of the theme song to "Press Your Luck"), January 23, 2015 (Awarded '''Huge Call) * "Loud Larry" (parody of Creedance Clearwater Revival's "Proud Mary"), April 24, 2015 (RUN) * "Kayla In Green Bay" (parody of the Magic Organ rendition of "On Wisconsin"), September 22, 2015 (heard on Fresh Coast Kliq)